I'm back at my laptop writing to vent some frustration.. Went to lie on the bed after playing some computer games with the guys, only to find myself in despair.. I guess I was partly affected by the comments made by people who knew about my miscarriages.. I know that everyone meant well, but some comments just didn't help.
Comment #1 (made today)
I had told someone that I wasn't that hungry near dinnertime as I had some chocolates beforehand. The person frowned and said "You have to build up your constitution. Eat healthy - more fish, vegetables."
Thoughts: I have always had a healthy lifestyle. I avoided fatty and oily food. I ate more fish and vegetables than anyone in that family. I exercised - jogged, trekked, did weights etc. I had eaten even healthier during those pregnancies. Why do you have to frown upon me eating a few bits of chocolate? You made it seem as if I had poor constitution and therefore the miscarriages.
Comment #2 (made today)
After that someone said I have to build up my constitution, person no. 2 gave me a "high 5" and said that I could join the "build the constitution" club as she was always falling ill. Then person no. 3 exclaimed "touch wood!" to person no. 2.
Thoughts: I don't think I even have to elaborate on how hurtful that was.. It just made me feel like a failure..
Comment #3 (always made)
"You are still young. You can always try again."
Thoughts: I don't even think I am that young anymore. Even if I am, so? I have had 3 failed pregnancies in 3 years and the future seems very uncertain now.
Comment #4 (usually made)
"At least you're married. I am still single and you are way ahead of me."
Thoughts: So what if I have gotten married earlier than some people? Many of my peers have already had 1 or 2 babies. And I am faced with an infertility issue. You are single, but you may not have this issue. You may have a smooth journey ahead of you. Is being single now worse than being faced with infertility issues like me?
Again, I know that everyone is trying to help or make me feel better, and they do not mean any harm. But they haven't been through what I have gone through, or experienced the same magnitude of grief and sadness. They wouldn't understand how I would feel with certain comments made..
And tonight, I go to bed feeling like a failure and without much hope left within me... I have been trying to be optimistic, but I don't know how long more I can last before I completely breakdown..