Thursday, 21 May 2015

Day 2 after second miscarriage

Hi there. I started this blog to capture the ups and downs in my journey to motherhood, hoping to share the emotional and physical aspects of it with everyone who is going through the same thing. As of now, there have only been downs, and no ups yet. But I remain hopeful, and I believe that one day I could share on this blog some UPs and share some success stories!

Just to share abit on my history.. I got married to the most wonderful man and best friend in 2012. We wanted to have some couple time for maybe 1 or 2 years before having kids. But, as unplanned as it was, I realised I was pregnant 8 months after our marriage, just to find out during the first check up that it was an ectopic pregnancy. Did a keyhole surgery to remove the pregnancy.

After that failed pregnancy, I had a bigger desire to be a mother (mother instincts kicked in) and wanted to try for kids. There were some complications which got resolved after the previous surgery, and I wanted to rest for a few months before trying. We got pregnant again in mid 2014, sometime during my birthday, only to miscarry at 8/9 weeks.

People said, and I've read, that miscarriages were very common, and that people went on to have successful pregnancies after a miscarriage. Well we decided to try again after few months of resting, and got pregnant in 2015. I was feeling quite optimistic, but at the same time was anxious and nervous due to my history. I had bad thoughts at times and I tried to brush them away. I had prayed, given myself some break time from work, avoided exercise, ate healthy, did the best I could. But I miscarried again at 9 weeks. Today is the second day after the D&C was done.

To sum up my emotions? I felt more devastated after the first miscarriage than the second one. As much as I wanted the latest pregnancy to be successful, I had also mentally prepared myself for this day. Nevertheless, I am still a human being and I feel hollow and empty within. There are many question marks in my head now.. What is it with me that I cannot have a successful pregnancy, when others have it so easy? Is it bad eggs, bad uterus, bad luck 3 consecutive times...?

The fetal tissue would be sent in for tests for chromosomal abnormality. Yet, I am not sure how helpful that test would be. There would also be blood tests performed for me at my next period.. possibly for blood clotting issues or hormones? Would have to wait and see if the tests would reveal anything..

Meanwhile.. I have acknowledged that there is no point in crying or have my life come to a standstill.. Life goes on. Although the future seems quite bleak now, I am still hopeful. To all women out there, if you could share your experiences as well or success stories, please feel free to do so!! It will keep us all hopeful and make us believe in a future of motherhood.

Signing off.. Missy Hopeful.

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