I know that my life isn't the worst. There are definitely others out there who have experienced a much more difficult life than I have. And we all know that life doesn't always work out the way we want. But life has definitely thrown me difficulties in different phases of my life.
When I was younger..
As a small kid, I was carefree.. I did reasonably okay in my junior school and went to a relatively good elementary school. From 14, and as any typical Singaporean kid, I decided that it was important to do well academically. I did not have any desired career path I wanted to take then, but I just studied hard with the hope of getting into a good, reputable high school, and I did it. It involved a lot of stress and hard mugging (until 3a.m. at nights), and I got anxiety attacks nearer to the final exams, but I thought it was all worth it. I got into the top high school in Singapore. At that phase, with keen interest in Biology and the sciences, I decided that I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people and save lives.
After high school, I got an interview with the local university's medicine faculty. But I said something during the interview that I was sure had got me rejected. I also did not have enough funds for overseas studies. I was dejected. I cried. That was all I ever wanted. I had lost all direction in life.
I didn't want to study Pharmacy, and went for the practical route - Accountancy/Finance. At the start of university, I was depressed. I woke up everyday thinking why this had happened to me. Why were most of my peers in Medicine while I was doing something I wasn't even interested in? I didn't hang out with many peeps in university, I was a hermit crab. I refused to fit in. I had no interest at all. Even till now, I still don't like meeting my peers who are doctors now.
Then, life took a turn and gave me an opportunity to go for an overseas exchange in Sweden for a semester (6 months). That was the best time of my life. I made good friends there (those from my university who went with me). It opened up my perspective - there is so much to life, there is so much to explore, you see so many different people and places, life is not just about studying and doing well, life is short.
After I was back in exchange, I was more open to having a boyfriend, a commitment, on top of just studying. And I met my husband... If I had gone into Medicine, I would not have met him.
Of cos, everything went smoothly, we dated and got married. I got a job which is secure and offers much learning, with a good work life balance.
Then, life threw me even more difficulties at a higher level... Infertility issues, with 3 unsuccessful pregnancies. And my emotions from university were replayed once again - I was dejected, I cried, I woke up everyday thinking why this happened to me, I was a hermit crab. Now, for an even more extended period.. 3 years of such emotions replaying and replaying..
I questioned myself all the time - I've always been a stressed-up person since elementary school (read above), and have some anxiety attacks at times when I get exposed to something stressful. I get stressed at work often too. I wonder if this is the cause for my infertility issues. But I also acknowledged that stress is commonplace for everyone in Singapore, a busy and hectic city...
I also asked myself - Why is life so smooth for all my peers and friends? They did okay too and have okay jobs. They have no problem in their pregnancies and have children easily.. While I am given so many challenges and obstacles in life..
When life was hard in university, something good came out of it. Now after being faced with these infertility issues, I hope that something good will come out of it soon too...
Sunday, 7 June 2015
My husband has always been a spendthrift. He has never learned to save. He spends his pay check month after month. He earns about $3,000 more than me every month, so why can't he save when I can??
Granted that he has to pay for the car loan installment and petrol which comes up to $2,000 a month, and he pays for most of our meals which is definitely much less than $1,000 a month..
However, I cannot ignore the fact that he continuously succumbs and buys things which are not necessary... (our house also gets very cluttered as a result but that's besides the point). To give a simple illustration, we have THREE weighing scales. THREE. They are placed beside each other at the entrance of our apartment now. And they cost about $500 in total. He replaces his gadgets so often even when there is nothing wrong with his current gadgets. He buys laptops after laptops, monitors after monitors, computers after computers. He even bought a trek mill for our apartment when we have a gym downstairs!!!!
Why am I so bothered about this?? Well, I have paid about $3,000 in total for consultations during the 9 weeks of my previous pregnancy, and he paid $1,000 as deposit for the d&c. I just got charged $2,000 for the remaining of the d&c fees, and asked if he could contribute. He avoided the question, which really pissed me off. When I asked again, he just said 'what do you want me to do?', which pissed me off even further.
We have always been contributing $1,000 to our joint account for our household expenses, and he didn't contribute this May. I asked him to do it, and he said he has no money. Why? He recently bought a laptop and got charged $4,000. Before he bought the laptop, I had asked him multiple times if his finances could allow it as I trusted him.
You see why I am so angry with him now??
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
After 2 weeks recovering at home, I was back at work yesterday.
Still emotionally unstable
Was supposed to have lunch with a group of people but I felt like walking around alone and did some grocery shopping. Was back in office during lunch time when no one was around, and I bumped into my big boss at the lift lobby (he's my boss' boss' boss' boss - really BIG boss!). He said happily 'I heard you are pregnant!'. I didn't know what to say but I mustered a 'no more...' and I broke down in front of him.
He walked towards me and told me multiple times not to worry, that it wasn't my time and my time would come someday. He knew it was my second miscarriage. It was quite a one sided conversation as I was unable to speak properly while I was crying. I have never cried in front of a boss before in my 7 years of working experience.
I dropped him an email after and thanked him for his encouragement, and he asked me out for lunch the week after. If there was any boss I had to cry in front of, I would rather it be him. He is such a sweet and nice boss, always caring about his staff. I know he's married with no kids... and would want to know more about him during that lunch. It would be quite a personal lunch..
At some random moment at work yesterday and today, I would start tearing uncontrollably. I guess it takes time to heal..
Support from Instagram
Every day I would check into my Instagram account. The support you get on Instagram is amazing... How there are so many women out there having the same situation and sharing their experiences.. I have gotten some tips and advice from others.. I post something whenever I am feeling down, and the responses you get from people who understand you are heartwarming.. Although I remain anonymous on Instagram, I seek solace and comfort from these women.
Well... I'm just waiting day by day, hoping for my period to come soon so that I can do those blood tests!