Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Life has thrown me with difficulties

I know that my life isn't the worst. There are definitely others out there who have experienced a much more difficult life than I have. And we all know that life doesn't always work out the way we want. But life has definitely thrown me difficulties in different phases of my life.

When I was younger..
As a small kid, I was carefree.. I did reasonably okay in my junior school and went to a relatively good elementary school. From 14, and as any typical Singaporean kid, I decided that it was important to do well academically. I did not have any desired career path I wanted to take then, but I just studied hard with the hope of getting into a good, reputable high school, and I did it. It involved a lot of stress and hard mugging (until 3a.m. at nights), and I got anxiety attacks nearer to the final exams, but I thought it was all worth it. I got into the top high school in Singapore. At that phase, with keen interest in Biology and the sciences, I decided that I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people and save lives.

After high school, I got an interview with the local university's medicine faculty. But I said something during the interview that I was sure had got me rejected. I also did not have enough funds for overseas studies. I was dejected. I cried. That was all I ever wanted. I had lost all direction in life.

I didn't want to study Pharmacy, and went for the practical route - Accountancy/Finance. At the start of university, I was depressed. I woke up everyday thinking why this had happened to me. Why were most of my peers in Medicine while I was doing something I wasn't even interested in? I didn't hang out with many peeps in university, I was a hermit crab. I refused to fit in. I had no interest at all. Even till now, I still don't like meeting my peers who are doctors now.

Then, life took a turn and gave me an opportunity to go for an overseas exchange in Sweden for a semester (6 months). That was the best time of my life. I made good friends there (those from my university who went with me). It opened up my perspective - there is so much to life, there is so much to explore, you see so many different people and places, life is not just about studying and doing well, life is short.

After I was back in exchange, I was more open to having a boyfriend, a commitment, on top of just studying. And I met my husband... If I had gone into Medicine, I would not have met him.

Married life
Of cos, everything went smoothly, we dated and got married. I got a job which is secure and offers much learning, with a good work life balance.

Then, life threw me even more difficulties at a higher level... Infertility issues, with 3 unsuccessful pregnancies. And my emotions from university were replayed once again - I was dejected, I cried, I woke up everyday thinking why this happened to me, I was a hermit crab. Now, for an even more extended period.. 3 years of such emotions replaying and replaying..

I questioned myself all the time - I've always been a stressed-up person since elementary school (read above), and have some anxiety attacks at times when I get exposed to something stressful. I get stressed at work often too. I wonder if this is the cause for my infertility issues. But I also acknowledged that stress is commonplace for everyone in Singapore, a busy and hectic city...

I also asked myself - Why is life so smooth for all my peers and friends? They did okay too and have okay jobs. They have no problem in their pregnancies and have children easily.. While I am given so many challenges and obstacles in life..

When life was hard in university, something good came out of it. Now after being faced with these infertility issues, I hope that something good will come out of it soon too...

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